My Nomadic Habits (redux)

I am a nomad. I am in no way homeless or impoverished. Well, I guess I am pretty poor in the grand scheme of things, but I eat and manage to always find a roof over me, even if it is only my car roof. I have a disease instilled in me. From a young age, I lacked the ability to stay in one location for very long. In recent recent history, I lived in Boston for two years. Two years is pretty long in my book. I’ll be the first to admit that if I hadn’t been enrolled in college and had not found the amazing group of people I did, I probably would have left Boston behind. During those two years in Boston, I was even known to leave for a month or three at a time to escape to anywhere from Scotland to Vermont.

On a whim, I moved to Eureka Springs, Arkansas last Fall. This was after I had moved to Greece, with a week’s notice, for a year. And then delivered pizza in Burlington, VT for a year. I’m still currently in Arkansas, but am leaving to return to Vermont in June, and then, with any luck, continuing on to NYC in Aug. Who knows how long I will last there. It is my friends in NYC that attract me the most, though, which brings me to the point of this little piece.

I am drastically influenced and drawn to my good friends and family (I’ll go ahead and clear up that some of my friends constitute my family. Not that I lack a real family, but I’ll use the term loosely). I continuously have a bit of a paradox plaguing me as my lifestyle clashes with my emotional desires. I’ve found that my relationships more than anything are what guide my happiness. A shitty job is menial as long as I have strong supporting cast of good friends and family. To counter act this, I’ve managed to roam an awful lot, causing me to create and alienate many meaningful relationships around the world. People I swore I would never be away from again have disappeared from my life. Most of these instances are not purposeful, but simply happen due to long term separation. I’ve grown to notice a change in my demeanor, though. The more I travel and the more I leave people behind, I shield myself from the pain or frustration of leaving one place. I begin separating myself from a place well before I leave, purposefully becoming distant or unattached from those around me. My closest friends have recognized my repeating behavior and seem to understand it. I consider it a defense mechanism or buffer to help me prepare for a departure and the inevitability of severing relationships forever. I am repeating it now in Arkansas. I wish to be alone more. I fill my work schedule with as many hours as I can and spend my time off mentally and physically preparing my next move. I hide in coffee shops and go on camping trips with strangers. I’m very careful to excuse myself from activities with many of my friends. This is not a unique behavior that I have, but much more the regular actions of someone who has the nomadic lifestyle.

If there is anything I regret in the last five years, it is the nonchalance and sometimes inconsiderate way I have treated many of my relationships in order to make my personal transition easier. I write this, not as a further excuse to those who may be affected by my actions, but more as an acknowledgment. It’s not important for others to read this. I think it is more of a venting self-analysis. For those who know me I can only end with a phrase I’m known to mutter: Shigata ga nai.

It is an abrupt end, but I’ve been hiding in a coffee shop for 5 hours now and it is time to go to work.